The terrible, awkward, vulnerable beginning

The edges of this dream have been flirting with me since 2017.

Long before language emerged to signal to myself and others what this would even be, my body knew.

That I had to find another way to live inside myself.
That this couldn’t be it for my one wild and precious life.
That something was just outside my awareness.

Now it’s 2026 and I’m turning 44 this week.

It’s finally almost time.

Part of me is beyond ready.
Part of me is doing all she can to stop it.

Maybe you have some odd things you do when a new thing feels nervous and hesitant but you also know it’s something you want.

I’ve noticed I feel great joy during the act of creating and wondering. The plotting and planning. My ADHD brain can ride the high for days. Then the dopamine runs out. Shame kicks in to remind me I can’t finish anything and I should just give up now.

But I’m learning to simply notice the shame. Give her some love and my full attention. I let her have her tantrum. Then we breathe ourselves home again.

"Shame, I get why you’re here. You’re trying to keep me from getting hurt. But actually, I can handle this situation. Even more, I want to handle this situation. So you can be here sometimes, but you’re not driving the car anymore. To the backseat, you go."

The weird thing about the Gentle Way is that I get to decide when it officially begins. The legal pieces are done. The background logistics are all set up. Insurance is ready to go. I have an interest list of curious humans. My support team is in place.

For the first time in my life, I have total agency over when I begin a new vocational adventure. I don’t need to collaborate with other colleagues or a supervisor. My family is supportive on a timeline that feels good to me.

Part of me is waiting for some magical moment when all of this feels easy and possible. Where I can skip this terribly awkward vulnerable beginning. My insides rumble with what if’s.

Another part of me knows that moment isn’t coming. This won’t get easier until I go right through the terrible awkward vulnerable beginning.

Ugh.

How have we not engineered life to skip this part yet?

But I guess, if we did, we’d miss the magic.

Because I already know in my bones that there will be glorious magic in this work. I see glimpses of what’s coming, and it’s already more than enough.

The magic of a nervous system breathing itself home a little bit more.
The magic of people realizing they were never broken.
The magic of building a compassionate relationship with a body that’s been hurting.
The magic of learning how to love ourselves in a world not built with us in mind.
The magic of untangling threads that have hurt for decades.
The magic of finding people who can hear our story and whisper, “me too."

Those glimpses are the reason I will start inviting people from our interest list to gently begin this work with me.

I will allow the terrible awkward vulnerable beginning to be here too.

And. We will still begin.

Friend, if you’re navigating a terrible awkward vulnerable beginning, know I’m right here in it with you. The fear, tension, anticipation, curiosity, panic. Look at us being super brave humans!

Let’s move through this together,
Jenny

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